Sunday, April 14, 2013

{Satire} An Imaginary Globalist Speech

Dear Friends, welcome to our annual meeting. There is much to report, so I will start with some recent happenings. That wonderful country Canada has been in the news the last few days. It seems there has been some furor over outsourcing of jobs. One big bank even had its workers training foreign workers before they outsourced some of the bank workers’ jobs. There was quite an outcry about this and many people were upset. Don’t these people realize they now live in a world of globalization and all jobs could soon be up for outsourcing. People have to learn to compete and let the marketplace decide. There is no free lunch and are no free rides. By the way, I would like to thank the leader of Canada for a $60 billion tax break to some of our corporations, [1]  this chap knows the worth of the free market when he sees it. I also liked his speech in Davos [2]where he announced changes to his country’s Old Age Security, raising the age to 67 years, before announcing it in his country’s parliament. Perhaps he realizes our importance in this globalist world?  People should have to work longer for their benefits in this globalist planet. After all, people in some of the poorer countries where we operate, don’t have these kind of benefits. Still, it was nice of him to give us all a heads up in Davos before telling his own people. He would be an asset to any of our multinational corporations and I am sure, should he ever decide to leave politics, there will be a place for him at our corporate globalist table. In fact, he is already on record as saying nice words about us by saying, “We need some semblance of global governance” [3]

Governing any country is not easy; that is why we take pains to advise many governments on how things should be done. That is why our latest plan, the Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP), has been described as, “the largest trade agreement ever.” And it surely is, though we are keeping much of it secret. [4] Still, most of the politicians have come on board this ship of globalist trade, praising it and saying it will “create jobs.” These are important words to use when explaining the secret TPP. Some cynics are calling it a ship of corporate pirates aiming to plunder, pillage and loot the world in the name of open markets and destroy any benefits some ordinary people have. But hey, competition will be good for all those workers in different countries, all of them merging into a world marketplace in a race for globalist business.  Those outdated customs, like national sovereignty, will die on the altar of Globalism and workers of the world will be merged into one big competing faction for our global business ventures. It will be a dog eat dog world as the saying goes, a wonderful business venture into the globalist utopia where the lowest bidder gets the prize, and I am sure there will be plenty of low bidders from the poorer countries. That is why we need the TPP; bigger profits are the name of the game and we have no shame in admitting to that. (A number of hear, hears are heard and a standing ovation ensues from the assembled globalists.)

Anyway, getting back to that wonderful country Canada, which incidentally has signed on to the TPP, their smart leader even passed legislation that foreign workers coming into his country could be paid 15% less. [5] Still, the Canadian government has an “Economic Action Plan” and perhaps this is a part of it. (A burst of laughter ensues and shouts are heard of “God Bless the Tories”)  As expected, many of our corporate friends in that country jumped on this free enterprise band wagon and took advantage of this wonderful gift of paying workers less. Of course there was much criticism of this. But one of our stalwart financial columnists, who can always be depended on to come to our aid, called the criticism of outsourcing hysteria from the left and as usual was a pillar of support for us all. Perhaps someday he will get a seat in the Senate for his defence of outsourcing and free enterprise!

Free enterprise is the engine that will kick start the world economy. There will be no more bailouts for the banks. Just a “bail in” [6] from the stiffs, oops I mean depositors monies should some extra cash be needed to prop up the monetary system.  All in all things are hunky dory for us globalists and the politicians accede, to all our demands oops I mean suggestions. I will close with some famous words: “The world is ours comrades and all that’s in it.” So let us move forward and continue to profit from our globalization.
(A standing ovation ensues and many shouts of “three cheers for the New World Order” are heard.)

Stephen J. Gray
April 14, 2013.