Monday, August 23, 2010

A Bankster’s Wisdom

A Bankster’s Wisdom
Satire By Stephen J. Gray

As an honorable member of the financial profession I am fed up hearing snide remarks about financial fraud. Sure, we sold what some are calling “toxic assets” to pension plans, state governments, mutual finds, and everybody and anybody who would buy them. And certainly we were selling ourselves out of these investments while promoting them as a good buy. Some are even calling this misrepresentation, or fraud! Still, some people are hard to please. But, this is how the system works: this was free enterprise at its finest. Instead of criticism we should be getting plaudits for creating and inventing a market for the buying and selling of debt-ridden financial paper.

There are reportedly trillions of this financial paper out there waiting to be snapped up. Who will take it is the problem, but a solution will be found. We are very creative in this business of finance, and that old saying holds true: “there are suckers born every minute.” And we await the suckers, oops, I mean the investors.

Meanwhile, governments invested in our financial problems, and they came through with flying colors, bailing us out with trillions of tax-payers’ cash when we were financially strapped. Some cynics were even calling it corporate socialism. Envy is a terrible thing and all because we were bailed out. The wording is more appropriate now; they don’t call it bailouts anymore. It’s called stimulus funds and I must admit stimulus does have a more respectable ring to it. Some people are calling it rewarding fraudsters, and you know hearing that kind of defamatory comment makes my blood boil. We tried to help people in their investment portfolios and this is the thanks we get.

Okay, the financial system is now in the dumpster and millions have lost their jobs. There are a reportedly 40 million plus on food-stamps in the greatest country on earth, and that is surely good that the system helps the less fortunate. We have a recession right now and everybody needs to practice austerity, except us of course. Money is our messiah, and one of our own did say we were doing, “God’s work.” One does not get higher praise than that. Oh, I know there are those who will say, “tax-payers bailed out you fraudsters with trillions,” and some of these same taxpayers are now unemployed and getting food stamps, but hey we can’t all be winners. There have to be some losers otherwise how would the market survive?

Surviving in the market will be the topic of my next investment seminar and hopefully many people will attend and hear about the buying opportunities now available. But, I digress. Now back to my take on the financial system (It’s offshore).

The system right now is broke, except of course for those who use offshore tax havens. There has to be safe havens somewhere from governments. Government printing presses are running hot trying to keep up with demand for more financial paper, also known as money. I say money is not a problem when there are tax-payers’ monies available to keep the financial system stable. A stable financial system can become unstable if it is used and abused by financial charlatans. Therefore it is people like us that are needed to run the system? After all, who would advise governments on monetary policy? Who would loan people their own money?

I believe we are indispensable to the common good. Still, it hurts immensely when I hear some people calling for jail time and saying we committed financial fraud. But, we will not stoop to the level of our accusers. We are pillars of society who keep the free market functioning and just went through a rough time. Tax-payers’ dollars pulled us through and now we are back to business as usual. In closing, I say thank you to all the taxpayers out there. If you need a loan, please come and see us; after all, it is your money that kept us in business.

Stephen J. Gray
August 23, 2010.