Sunday, August 16, 2020

The COVID-19 Suit and Other Mad Happenings

Harry had been keeping a diary for a while, and was feeling good that he had faithfully written down some of his thoughts on the COVID-!9 Virus.

He had a basement full of toilet paper and was proud of the fact he had accumulated it quietly. During the first virus wave there had been fights over toilet paper and it became rationed. Now that he was loaded up with it. He was feeling secure in the knowledge that he could have bowel movements with no limits, and the cleanest rear end in the country. He was fond of saying to himself: “Bring on the second wave of the virus, I have got my sh-t covered.” In fact, he had heard that another medical expert Dr. Tammyrot had reportedly said, there would be a second wave of the virus, and it could last into the next year.

He took daily walks. But, before going out, he dressed in what he called:“His COVID-19 suit.” It was a white coverall, rain proofed, and similar to a diving suit, but not as heavy. It covered him from head to toe and he had an air breathing container attached. One day while walking he noticed that a person coming towards him was in his walking lane. So he turned on his loudspeaker that was attached to his COVID-19 suit, and said: “ Move over buddy to your own lane, you are coming towards me in my social distancing lane. Have you not heard of staying six feet apart” ? To which the oncoming person yelled at him: “ I am not your buddy. Go take a COVID hike elsewhere, you are in my way.”

Neither Harry or the oncoming walker would give way, and it resulted in a head on COVID rule breakers crash, but nobody got hurt, though expletives filled the air, and an onlooker from her house window called the police. The police arrived and charged both of them with: “self endangerment and lack of physical distancing.” And told both of them: “physical distancing, means exactly that.”

Then the policeman said to Harry: “Halloween is not here yet, why are you dressed up in the white suit”? Harry replied: “This suit is my COVID-19 safety suit, and I am a good COVID rule obeying citizen. Who takes social distancing, and other safety rules seriously”

After this experience, Harry continued to the Grocery Store to buy some groceries. This big chain store had a mandatory mask wearing rule. Harry entered the store and was immediately challenged by a Store Greeter. “Where are you going sir,” asked the greeter.? To which Harry replied: “This is a grocery store, and I came here to buy my food.” To which the greeter replied: “You cannot come in here, covered from head to toe looking like something from outer space. In this store, masks are mandatory, space suits are not allowed.” Hearing this: Harry turned on his suit's loud speaker, upped the volume to high, and shouted: “I am safely covered in every orifice, I even wear diapers in this suit, and I am masked inside the suit in case of any smell, what is your problem”? The greeter replied: “Sir or madam, or other, you must take off that space suit and only wear a mask to be a customer here.” Harry being a good COVID citizen said: “Okay.” Pulled the release zipper on his suit, stepped out of it naked, but still wearing his mask and diaper, and was immediately arrested for being naked, and causing a disturbance in a grocery store.

Harry after the ugly incident in the store was on his way home, and hoping to catch the daily briefings of the COVID-19 experts. He entered his home and turned on his T.V. He was just in time. Dr. Faucinstein was speaking and saying: “Everyone should wear masks and goggles.” Harry thought to himself, “I should call or email Dr. Faucinstein and tell him about my COVID-19 suit. Perhaps, even send him a picture so that he can see its benefits. I mean masks and goggles are fine, but surely being covered completely is a fail safe option? The possibilities for my COVID-19 suit are mind blowing.

The government could make COVID-19 suits mandatory wear, while being outside. The suits could be mass produced, in all kinds of colours, thus creating millions of jobs with no systemic racism. People everywhere would be totally safe from the virus, and perhaps he, Harry, would get an award called “The COVID-19 Award” for service to humanity. Harry also thought, I know some people will think my suit is a mad idea, but in a time of mass madness, is there anybody sane”?

Stephen J. Gray
August 16, 2020.