Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Grateful Financier Thanks the Taxpayers

Dear Taxpayers,

As I languish by the pool, martini in hand, in my favorite offshore tax haven, I want to give you the ordinary people, the backbone of society, some recognition. You taxpayers are paying to keep our free market system afloat and the financial industry in business. Your hard earned tax dollars were there for us in the financial system when we needed them most, and for that we are eternally grateful. I know many of you have lost your jobs and your pension funds are in the dumpster. Some of you have lost your homes and are in debt to the banks. Still you soldier on amidst all these negatives. But do not worry, be happy, the day of recovery is coming soon, and once again it will be back to business as usual in the market.

The market as you all know had a bad and troubling experience. We were all selling loads of useless paper throughout the financial system. Some beneficiaries of our selling expertise were; your pension funds, state governments and everybody and anybody we could suck in. We were selling this crap, oops, I mean collaterized debt opportunities like there was no tomorrow. But, unfortunately tomorrow arrived and you the taxpayers are picking up the bill for our free market fraud, pardon me, I mean errors. Mistakes were made and some of us, the greedy ones, were left holding this useless lousy paper that we were selling. Now it is being called “toxic paper,” though some of our marketing experts are calling it “troubled assets,” in the hope that it can be sold at a later date when the market recovers. And make no mistake the market will recover as long as there are politicians out there to bail out, oops, I mean stimulate the system, with your tax dollars.

Dollars are important in the financial system, and your tax dollars have been a boon to us. A press of a button and we can move money offshore to our tax free haven. As I sit here, and write this, I think of all you wonderful people who are giving up so much to keep us in the style we are accustomed. Without your help, we might all be broke, just like some of you. But hey, you came through for us and I am sure you will again, when the time comes, as it will, and the market once again plunges after we take our profits.

Profits are good and a blessing to us all. That old saying: “profit from your mistakes,” comes to mind. A good example is some of the bankers who made “mistakes” selling the “toxic paper,” I mean, “troubled assets,” now they are profiting from the bailouts, pardon me, I mean stimulus packages of your tax dollars. Big bonuses are being handed out by them, courtesy of your tax monies that helped them stay in business. So we are all raising a glass in your honor and toasting our successes.

Success is important to us all, and I include you the taxpayers. Without successful bailouts, I mean stimulus packages of your tax dollars, we moneychangers would be devastated. Now we are all stimulated and watered and fed by your generosity. So thank you for all you have done for us. Keep smiling, keep faith in the market, think positive and know that we financiers depend upon you for our bread and butter. I will close by quoting one of our esteemed banker friends, who said just the other day that: “We are doing God’s work,” though I am sure that some cynical people will say the false God Mammon is more appropriate. Anyway, thank you all for your assistance in keeping the “free market” functioning and I hope to see some of you at my next investment seminar.

Mr. B.S. Baloney c/o Cayman Islands

Stephen J. Gray
November 11, 2009.