Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Criminal Makes a Plea from Jail

To whom it may concern in the justice system:

I am presently incarcerated in a maximum security prison. The crime I was imprisoned for was securities fraud. While doing my hard time in jail, I have been reading the financial news and this makes me very unhappy and upset. I now believe I was falsely convicted as today’s justice system appears to me to be more forgiving of marketplace indiscretions.

I have been reading that some respected financial firms were promoting dubious financial securities as a great investment while at the same time selling themselves out of these investments they were promoting. Could this be called “misrepresentation” in legal parlance as “misrepresentation” is the word used to describe securities fraud? I also read that these respected firms sold these questionable securities to pension funds, mutual funds, state governments and everybody and anybody they could suck in. They even charged large fees for moving, pushing and recommending this financial toilet paper. Some of these blue chip firms were even given taxpayers' monies in something called stimulus packages, as some of them claimed they needed this money to continue in business (and that if they did not get it the financial system would fail and everybody would be in the dumpster). This makes me wonder if this was a form of financial blackmail.

Quite frankly, I never thought I would see the day, when what used to be considered outright thieving and fraud would become legitimized. I certainly feel I am missing out in the opportunities now available in the free market system and the access to unlimited supplies of taxpayers’ dollars. I do not believe it is fair that I am presently imprisoned while others like me are running free and some are advising governments how to save the financial system after selling it short.

I feel that I should be out there in the financial world working within the free market system and using my talents to buy and sell and make an honest dollar, and perhaps even help the country get out of recession. I can move securities with the best of them and I believe my expertise is being wasted here in jail. I know how the system works out there and I sincerely believe I can be of help. I believe the country needs me and I would be willing to take only a small fee for helping sell these rotten securities that are still available to whatever suckers I can find. I am sure I would be welcomed back with open arms by my colleagues who have never yet been in jail and who are always looking for new ideas and new ways to profit from these types of products in the financial market.

In closing, I ask that you consider my offer of help and perhaps free me immediately. Times are changing and we must change with the times. What was a crime yesterday does not appear to be a crime today. Hoping you will consider my plea and let me loose once again into the financial system, home once more amongst friends in the financial world and working at what I do best.

Unfairly Convicted Criminal Number 999.

Satire by Stephen J. Gray
January 16, 2010.