A Speech by the Respected Financier and Arms Dealer, Mr. Unctuous Evil
By Stephen J. Gray
“ Dear Friends, I see there are many eminent persons, politicians, leaders of governments, honorable persons, members of the international community, dictators, despots oops, I mean authoritarians gathered here today.
“We are assembled to discuss the state of the world. Despite all the gloom and doom being reported, I have to say things are going well in the weapons industry. This so-called recession has not hurt us one bit. We are still selling arms to dictators and despots, pardon me, I mean respected authoritarian regimes. We are also supplying both sides in wars and we are still making massive profits.” (Mr. Evil pauses while massive applause takes place.)
“War is a profitable business except for those who die in it. Killing and slaughter, oops, I mean collateral damage can never be avoided. I mean, just look at Libya, we sold all kinds of bombs and missiles to its dictator who is now our enemy, but it is still a win, win situation for our business of death. We are bombing Libya non-stop, and taxpayers will pick up the tab, but it is a humanitarian mission even though we are killing civilians and little children. Bombs and missiles don’t discriminate and mistakes can be made, but we do offer apologies. Anyway these missile attacks are surgical strikes, though some innocent patients die, and when this is all over we will inscribe a memorial to their memory.
“One must never forget we are involved in a humanitarian mission. We are bringing democracy to some places and helping keep dictators in power in other places, but this is not a perfect world, and dare I say thank goodness for that. (a number of hear, hears are heard and some more applause takes place) The beauty of our business is we never have to go to the front lines or wear combat gear. We are the planners and plotters who make things happen. We are the humanitarians of the planet ever ready to do our duty. Of course duty comes with a price, and our price is ever increasing profits. But, surely making money off bloody death and destruction is an honorable profession? After all, somebody has to do it and who better than us?
“We have an impeccable record in this world of deceit, lies, disinformation, treason and treachery. Some people are even saying that some of us are war criminals. Still, one cannot please everybody and some of us have been known to get a Nobel Peace Prize, so we can’t all be that bad. (applause takes place and a standing ovation ensues)
“Out of evil comes good, the Libya situation is a good example. When it’s over we will help rebuild the country, we will sell arms to the next leader of the country. The oil will still be there for us to help manage and the money and gold that the dictator entrusted to us is safe in the hands of our respected bankers. Though, I must admit one of our trusted financial institutions did manage to lose over a billion dollars of his money. But hey, who ever said the price of doing business investing was always profitable. Still, never mind, at least we know his money is somewhere safe in our financial system. The only monetary losers are the Libyan people. Oh well, at least we are performing a humanitarian service for them with our bombing mission, and what could be more caring and profitable than that? Thank you and God Bless us all as we continue our humanitarian work.”
Stephen J. Gray
June 26, 2011.