Sunday, November 26, 2017

A Trans-cript from Trans-mania: A Fairy Tale


Trans-mania is a land of diversity and inclusivity, a land of sunny ways that was changing with the times. So on arriving there I took a trans-it bus into its capital town. The trans-it driver asked me, “Do you want a trans-fer”? “I said no thank you sir.” And he replied, “I am not a sir, I am a Trans-manian or a Zir or a Ze, not a him or a he, I am whatever pleases me. Please remember the difference when you arrive in our town called Trans-haven.”  

On arriving in Trans-haven, I booked into a hotel called “The Trans-ient.” The hotel had a “safe place” sticker on its front door, which I thought was wonderful and welcoming and said so to the Trans-manian desk person. Who then said,

“Trans-mania is a safe and welcoming land of diversity. These ‘safe place’ stickers are everywhere, and are a comfort and help to those who feel they are trans-latent. There are no words allowed in this land using mother or father, he or she, male or female, him or her, boy or girl--those words are gender discriminatory, and we are a gender neutral, ‘safe place’ land. The approved correct words are trans this or trans that.”

To which I replied, “Bully for you.” To which the Trans-manian replied, “Please do not use the word bully, it is an obscene word and we are trans-ferring bullies and erasing the bully word out of our trans-diction, as well as other words I mentioned earlier that are trans-discriminatory.”

Being very interested in how their land was governed I then asked,
“How is trans-genderism portrayed in Trans-mania”?  I received this reply, “Very well. The politicians are wonderfully supportive and even pass laws favouring us; they even march in our parades of pride as do law enforcers. Some of our community are even allowed to parade naked in violation of the law. The media have been very supportive too, and label those that have a different view from us as ‘trans-phobic,’ and ‘controversial.’ The media also march in our parades. We are even allowed to promote and have programs for trans-genderism in the schools.”

I then asked. “How do parents feel about that? And was told, “Many, if most, parents do not know what their children are being taught at school, and anyway, it is mandated by the government, and they know best what is good for us all, and we Trans-manians agree on that. We are a caring, conditioned and inclusive society that has a Charter of Rights and Freedoms and it is interpreted by unelected judges that used to be lawyers, and they are more powerful than the politicians, because the Charter is supreme.  Anything can be found as a right in our charter; one of our judges even said it was a ‘living tree.’ And others just ‘read in’ what they cannot find in the charter. This is known as hallucinatory and imaginative justice.  So, as you can see, we Trans-manians have much to be thankful to our judges for.”

On hearing all this I nearly said, “Bully for you” again, but quickly realised that this supportive comment would not be understood. Anyway, I was trans-fixed by all this information, but not wishing to appear trans-ignorant, I asked the Trans-manian behind the desk, “How should I address a Trans-manian properly”?  The Trans-manian said, “Do not use offensive language, such as him or he; we are anybody or anything that we want to be, so you can address us as a Zir or Ze.” To which I replied “I am so sorry sir.” Then realizing my mistake, by using the word sir, I said “Pardon me Zir or Ze, please forgive me.”  Ze or Zir, then said to me “apology accepted, but here in Trans-mania using the wrong words can be hateful and a hate crime, so be careful in your speech. We are a gender neutral, gender exempt, gender fluid, genderless society of binary pan gender, trans-racial, Trans-manians who abhor the speech of so-called normal people. One more important thing, there are no discriminatory washrooms in our hotel, only ‘Squat rooms;’ anybody and everybody can use them. They are gender neutral approved, and another ‘safe place’ where anybody can do their business.”  I felt trans-fused, oops I mean confused, and trans-formed after hearing about all this trans-formation, oops, I mean information, and decided I would check out the town of Trans-haven immediately to learn more.

As I was crossing the street in Trans-haven I was approached by a Trans-manian wearing a dress, sporting a full black beard, eye shadow and lipstick, wearing steel toed boots and carrying a big handbag. Stamped on the bag were the words ‘union made.’ I was trans-fixed for a moment, but then I realized I was in the town of Trans-haven in Trans-mania. So wanting to be polite in this country that I was visiting, I said to this Trans-manian, “How are you today”? To which the reply was, “I am not a you, I am a Trans-manian.” I then said, “thanks for correcting me and being so Trans-parent.” The Trans-manian then said to me, “I am not a Trans-parent, I am not married and I am offspring barren.” I then said to this Ze or Zir, “Pardon me, I was using the word transparent, as defined in the dictionary, like being ‘candid.’” On hearing my explanation, the Trans-manian said to me, “we don’t accept words defined in a dictionary; we believe they are a trans-gression against our trans-values.” Once again, I said sorry to the Trans-manian, then I decided I better cut my visit to Trans-mania short, and trans-ition and trans-fer myself back to a place that trans-cends this trans-fiction world.  Because quite frankly I felt trans-language challenged, tired and stressed, and felt speech insecure and word confused by trying to trans-pose and trans-late my thoughts and words in this visit to Trans-mania. Oh well, at least it was an edifying and trans-formative experience, and really just a fairy tale that could be called a “Trans-cript from Trans-mania.”

Stephen J. Gray
November 26, 2017.

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