Monday, March 9, 2009

The Godfather Decides To Go Legitimate

The Godfather has gathered all the mob families together for an important announcement. He waits till all the heads of the various families are in their seats. Then he begins his talk.

The Godfather: “ I have been reading the financial news and watching the financial experts on T.V. and I have come to the conclusion we have to go legitimate. I mean, why are we wasting our time in robberies, rip offs, money laundering, prostitution, loan-sharking and other rackets when we can make money honestly, and with very little risk.?”
“What do you mean Boss,” asks Big Tony?

The Godfather: “Tony you always were a slow thinker, stop interrupting and listen.” We are going into the Business of Finance. We are going to promote Asset Backed Company Paper (ABCPs.)”

Big Tony: “Hey Boss, this sounds like a load of toilet paper to me.”

The Godfather: “Tony shut your big mouth and listen. This is your last warning.” The rest of the family chime in, “ Shut up Tony.”

The Godfather: “These ABCPs will be sold through some financial institutions and their subsidiaries in the financial world. There will be finders fees, sellers fees, companies fees, controller’s fees, fees for fees and other fees that are respectable in the business world. We will borrow money from the banks and other financial institutions and circulate our prospectus just like other financial institutions. We will have financial experts who know the free market and who are steeped in respectability to sell our products. These people will promote them for us and sell out of them for us at the same time. We will make massive profits while others make massive losses. (the Taxpayers) But the great thing about it is, we will be making our money honestly.”

Big Tony: “This sounds to good to be true. At least when I stiff somebody, I can see the blood.”

The Godfather: “Tony, I am losing my patience with you. Forget all that blood stuff. Respectable financial businesses don’t operate that way. They are much more honest and sophisticated.”

Big Tony: Okay then, give us some examples why we should go legitimate?

The Godfather: “ Here they are, and no more interruptions until I am finished talking. As I said earlier, I have been following the latest financial news. Governments have been bailing out the financial markets with billions of taxpayers dollars. Respectable financial institutions were selling debt packaged as assets: so we could do the same thing. Some of the CEOs of these respectable financial institutions got mult- million dollars in severance packages even though their institutions lost billions of dollars. This tells me that honesty is the best policy. And hard work pays off. No cops, no investigations. Just excellent rewards for hard work! And here is the clincher if we become respectable, any losses will be covered by the taxpayers in the form of government bailouts. So this is a win, win situation for us. No more worrying about cops or doing jail time, we will be in an honest business. So what do you think boys. All those in favour raise their hands. I see it’s unanimous so let’s all head for Wall St., mingle with the boys and get down to business.”

Stephen J. Gray
March 31, 2008.